grey as blog

grey as sun

Monday, March 13, 2006

end-week

I'm not in a bad mood today, but not a good one, either. My summer is going to be a little f-ed up here, and I'm not happy about it. It doesn't have to be, but I'm too tired to argue with selfish people. I feel like nothing but a push-over. At least I get a good life-lesson of who and what to stay away from everytime these things happen. Kinda sad when it has to come to that. I'm not going to place the blame, it's my fault, too... that's why I'm a pushover and will be for the duration of things.

Megan, I pretty much forgot everything my Dad did this weekend, so... Can't really help you out with that stuff anymore. Hope the shows were good with your Mom, though.

Why can't anything just be clear? There's so much f-ing grey area all the time - NOTHING is ever clear. I could have a pile of garbage in front of me, and a pile of diamonds, and only being able to choose one, would probably find a reason to STILL take days to figure it out and regret my decisions. Why is that? Dating, school, career, life, death... it's all so damn murky - it feels like a lake that looks muddy and full of leeches, so you don't want to swim in it, but you do anyway. I can't help but think - what's the point?

And no, that doesn't mean I'm suicidal or anything like that - it just means that I don't get it. Perhaps I just see my friends, most of whom are older, with jobs they love, and things that keep them grounded, or seeing my younger friends somehow getting things done a lot easier than I seem to. Do I make it harder for myself on purpose so I can feel like crap and then bitch about it? Have I just dealt myself a bad deck of cards and now have to pay the price? I just don't get it, I'm not sure where I fit into all of this...

Anyway...

Here's some random scribblings:

okay, to start
the 2 goes there, so another 2 goes
there
if the 3 goes there, then 7
follows
wait, what about 9? where does 9
go?
if i put the 5 here, and the 6 there
that leaves room for another 7 here
and a 4 over here
then i can put all the 1's in each box
which makes the 8's multiply into their
own boxes, then the 6's fall into place
and VIOLA!
pathetic.

---

80-90mph on the road
celebration in the past
celebration in the future
it's all the same

it's raining outside.
I remember once as a youth
sitting inside while it was
raining, and feeling like it was
controlling me and my actions.
I stood up defiant, and ran outside
into the yard my dad so proudly
maintained to the greenest green
and ran around, and fell doing flips
and slipping on everything
ruining the grass
along with my clothes and
fear.
No rain storm would keep me
down from that point on.

That was over a decade ago.
I didn't think I would live this
long back then.
now it rains everyday inside
and celebrations of life
are soaking on the coatrack
with the soul of a 13 year old boy
as fearless as nature
and niave as a 26 year old man.

---

The future is the enemy
but is it really?
does it make the world go around?
Does it make us greedy and soul-less?

Do I make you soul-less?
I know that I give you
what you deserve and
I make you what you are

I, myself, have the soul of the sphinx
standing proud,
but weathering away as
time carries on

I have the energy of an old man
sleeping away his golden years
on a worn-down chair that used to
act as a reading station for now-grown children.

I have the tenacity of 20 lions
caged in a zoo, eating store bought butcher cuts
of beef after a tranquilizer dart mellows
them out.

I'm as grey as a sun
and as sunny as a brick of charcoal
I am the future
as bright and bleak as you can
make me
but you can't make me anything...
that's the way destiny works.

---

A busride becomes
still.
I feel your hand grabbing mine
from within my coat pocket,
as if to hide your affection from the others
on the bus.
You're telling me about something,
maybe it's work or family related
but I'm not listening.
All I hear is your voice,
and that's all I want.
For 10-20 seconds, Everyone
disappears,
and then, in a flash,
I become VERY aware of them.
The slightest glance, and I
know that we aren't accepted by them
and our touch is taboo
and my timeless vision
is diminished and belittled
by my own fears
and your voice,
finishing me.

posted by grey as mike @ 12:00 PM

1 Comments:

At March 14, 2006 11:58 PM, Megan said…

I'd be lying if I said that the second and fourth poems DIDN'T make me cry. They're beautiful.

But we all know how easily I cry, so maybe that really isn't much of a compliment. Just something I felt like sharing.

We need to talk cause I'm interested in knowing exactly what you mean by the first part of this post...