grey as blog

grey as sun

Monday, February 12, 2007

decompressionisticality

I'm not myself lately.

I'm going through what can only be described as more than a mild depression, but not yet a full blown depression. It really sucks...

I think I go through this about this time every year, but this year feels different. It feels like I shouldn't have to go through this every year anymore, but I still am. What's worse is that it goes up and down. I'll be fine one minute, excitable even - then I'll just want to go home and sleep. It's affecting *JUST* about every facet of my day-to-day existence.

In the last month, I missed the Appleseed Cast and Kevin Devine because I was either too busy to even know they were here, or too busy worrying about other people. And there's another problem - I worry about what my friends will think and do if I don't constantly try and accomodate their lives. This isn't to say that I'm just SO in-demand, but I feel guilty if I can't make a party, or I'll hear about the time that I didn't go to this thing or that thing, and I'll hear about my shortcomings as a friend, and that sucks. I have such little freetime, and I feel like I can't even spend it on myself when I get it.

Truth be told, the last 2 weeks, I have been in 4 buildings - my house, my office, my school and my gym. Attempts to do otherwise have been anticipated failures. Self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe, but failures nonetheless.

I have a parade of ex's that keep rearing their head my way - but only in the most uninterested, condescending fashions possible. Reminders that when I back off, I lose, and when I'm too involved, I lose again. I like having someone there, but it's rarely that - because I can't be there all the time, and when I am these days, it's not fun for either of us, and I end up feeling like a jerk like - all the time.

Then there's the nagging question of where i fit into anything. I don't think I'm indie-rock enough to fit in with the indie-rockers. My lack of tattoo's and bohemian lifestyle kind of make me a sell-out for some reason. I'm not into clubs or dance music, so I don't really fit in with those guys. I'm not into sports much, so I don't really mesh with those guys. I don't have much money, so I don't mesh with the established 30-somethings. Instead, I go the route of being too many things all at once - lacking focus - boring. Too busy to go out and see the world, and as a result, add something to it.

And maybe that's the problem. I add nothing to anything. In some clicks, I'm good for a laugh and I'm good to hang around, but... I've added nothing to anything. from nothing to anything - that's a good song title... nah, it's not really.

Whatever the situation - I'm pretty close to being down for the count. Something needs to go right in the coming week to help me out here.

I guess that's all.

xoxo

posted by grey as mike @ 1:16 PM

2 Comments:

At February 13, 2007 1:06 PM, Anonymous said…

Mike,
I think you add a lot to everything. You are interesting and unique and fun. That does make it hard to fit in precisely, but no one can do that anyway.

This is a tough time of year: shitty weather, no sun, and a birthday for you.

Thinking about you and Happy Birthday.
Bradd
At February 19, 2007 11:08 AM, Anonymous said…

Bradd is right. I may not see you often anymore but I still think of you as one of the most interesting people I know, and you always make me laugh. You don't need to fit into ideals that other people have set. Screw that herd behavior! You're cooler because you don't fit, and those differences are what your friends appreciate about you. Now it's the year of the pig, bitch, so have a whole mess o' pig ass and cheer up cuz you are loved.

Juls