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Friday, March 31, 2006

ramble

music is everything
and everything is music.
the soul of everything
flows in a pattern of
notes and scales.

life comes through in music
and music creates a life its own
while the street players
sing the blues
and those less fortunate
praise our brains with
lovely thoughts
evocative thoughts
angry thoughts
sad and lonely thoughts.

He watched them play
and felt their work
burn through his body
and his mind.
He wrote what the music
told him to write.

He wrote until he couldn't
write anymore.
He wrote until his dying day
and became an icon
because the music ran
through his veins.

He doesn't write anymore
but the music lives on...

---

I feel it running through my body

it tingles at times...

microscopic in nature
but you see it and feel it
and it never leaves your head.

for me, it's not there
but for others, it is
and they're scared and confused.

Sometimes I get scared and confused, too.

sometimes I just want to
cry alone in my room
but instead I do it in public
and keep it under my skin
hidden DEEP inside where no one
will ever see it.

maybe someone will see it one day...

maybe someday I'll be brave enough
to expose myself to another and maybe even
another after that.

maybe someday I won't care
and everyone will go to hell...

And I'll be the one sending them there.

---

I'm in a somber mood today. No plans for the weekend, as usual. *sigh* I really just wish I didn't have so much stuff going on, and I could just hang with friends and grab a beer. Now I just feel weird calling most of them... I haven't talked to some in well over 6 months. The person I'm supposedly "seeing" I have seen a total of 8 times in 2 months, and only one of those times was in an intimate setting (and no, nothing happened). I'm a glutton for punishment...

I was reading an article the other day about workaholics. I don't feel that I fit into this category. I do normally have a lot going on, and I try to do the best that I can at all of it, but when it's break time, I'm not thinking about any of it. I'm relaxing and that's that. I don't come into work on the weekends, and constantly do everything at once. I just do what I can, and that's the best I can do.

Lately I feel like the best I can do is less than the best others can do. Makes it hard to get up and workout in the mornings. My brain may be on auto-pilot most of the times these days, but my heart still feels and my brain still thinks...

I guess this is all on my mind today.

The first poem is about the author August Wilson... I saw a documentary yesterday in class about him, and he was talking about influences - I related to what he said, and felt it was a perfect addition for the poetry book to relate to the classwork. Yesterdays poem is about the short story "Blight" from the book "The Coast of Chicago" by Dybek. I very much so related to the story, and am at kind of a similar place as the main character, so I wrote about that as well.

The other poem today is me thinking that things can be worse. Last year, I did a photography project where I followed around 5 guys with HIV for an hour or 2, and took pictures. I was going through a breakup when I finished it, and couldn't understand why I was so upset after looking at these 5 people (varying in age from 24 to mid-40's) and seeing what they go through everyday. The grass is always greener, and I hate feeling this way when I know it could be worse - but I can't really help it, either.

This isn't to say I'm in a bad mood, per se - because I'm not. I just have a lot on my head, and hate feeling guilty that I haven't talked with friends in so long, and have no plans for the weekend, and can't seem to have a normal dating situation, and to balance school and work on top of all that - it's just a lot to think about at once.

I will say this... F the Pink Line. I will refuse to take it... I hate the color pink, I hate the singer Pink, PINK PLAIN OUT SUCKS MY !%!^*$. I rarely ever have to take the blue line as it is, so I'm not TOO worried about it. But still... Out with the pink, in with anything other than pink. It could be the Mauve line, or Aqua line... anything but pink.

Last night on the bus, this chick got up, and had no control of her earbud headphones or umbrella hanging from her backpack. She hit like 3 people as she swung around 2 or 3 times looking for the umbrella, and the earbuds nearly knocked me in the temple. Some gay guys were laughing their ass off about it. I thought it was funny, too... What a bitch!

Speaking of bitches - I got nothing after that...

I got nothing at all. So I'm outta here...

posted by grey as mike @ 10:37 AM

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