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Thursday, July 20, 2006

ponder

So I'm having odd dreams these days, all of which are due to stress and uncertainty.

One I had involved going to B's house after we broke up to pick some things up. I was with HIS ex of 6 years, and stumbled upon him in his bed with some other punk rock guy, a younger one that had a mohawk or something.

The one last night involved me and this girl duking it out over a job interview - at the end, we were both hired, and when we went out to the parking lot, there was a building with a large black family - something was going on, and everyone knew it except for me.

I wake up, fall back asleep.

I'm going with B to his house, and there's all kinds of curvy roads and tunnels and insane directions and we end up at his apartment, which is under Wacker Drive for some reason, and then I wake up.

I'm clearly angry and stressed out about my career and love life. Then in the rain this morning on the way to work, I think about the good times I've had with all my ex's - particularly Brian (the first Brian - opera singer)...

When he and I split, it was inevitable... He lives in San Fran, but is in Chicago often for extended periods of time to perform. His last day in town was a really cold day in January that year, and it was really sad for me to see him go. When I got home, I cried on the couch for an hour or 2, and then went to sleep. The next day I felt good and things were okay...

When Brad and I split, I felt bad and guilty because he had proposed us getting more serious, and with school looming, I didn't feel I could handle it - I'm the one that freaked out... but it was him that came to me and said "hey, I think I'm starting to get in too deep here, what are your thoughts?" and I put it out on the table, and it was actually okay...

When Bruno and I split, he was moving to Stockholm for 6 months. He approached me to discuss that it wasn't really fair to me, or him, to have to keep something going when he was going to leave for so long, and we'd only been together a couple months. I agreed, and we're still good friends. In fact, he comes home on Sunday - I think he has a new boyfriend as well who is better suited to travel with him and such...

The thing about these that I'm getting at is that they are the few times that when the breakup was happening, we maintained dialogue and left on amiable terms. Right now, I'm having a hard time getting over this thing because I have all this anger, and no matter what I do, it won't go away.

Not only that, but I don't have any time to really focus on it and deal with it... Too much work, too little time, too few people that I want to speak with about it. This isn't to say that friends of mine aren't around - cause some of them are, but I don't want to bother them with this stuff... I just want to have fun and catch up cause I see most of them so little that I don't want to be the debbie downer of the group. Usually, if I feel I'm bringing things down, I just leave...

And that brings me to Jerry - on Sunday, he had his going-away party. Last summer, he was the big fling of spring. By summer, Jerry was another situation that ended badly for me. I felt lead-on and disrespected... Jerry was slow, tho - that breakup didn't happen out of left field so abruptly.

I took me almost a year before we really hung out again. At his party Sunday, I was upset that he was leaving before we really got to connect again. I was also upset cause of B and the condo and all this stuff...

So I guess I come here to put it all out on the table - since I don't have time for a retreat or money for a vacation, I really have no way of dealing with it other than this place. Yes, I know I have friends around, but again - don't wanna be debbie downer. I'd rather be debbie downer here than in person where someone has to deal with me for extended periods.

Either way, life goes on and so on, so forth. I'm less than okay, but better than beat down...

posted by grey as mike @ 10:44 AM

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